The Endeavor for Sophrosyne

A personal reminder to live my life consciously, creatively, passionately, and healthily.

A Year in Reflection

As we head towards the new year I thought I would make a post highlighting some of my attempts to keep a journal- though it didn’t write everyday I still appreciate being able to go back and remind myself of the things I’ve once felt and thought. Here’s my cheer’s to 2013 megapost, oh and basically my diary. 

July 15, 2013

I’ve always wanted to be able to keep a journal, somehow I always fail. This is my attempt to at least track some of thoughts and consciousness. I may not remember to write every day, but why not try? Thoughts can become habits if you put in the effort.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to see signs from the world. Last week I had a feeling that I would be seeing —— soon. He commented on ———‘s status saying that he was on the train and I knew that he had been in Santa Barbara for the majority- if not all of summer- so it crossed my mind that he may be coming back to Orange. The next sign that I got was the night I was getting ready to go to —-’s birthday party. I took out my hairspray from my drawer, sprayed my hair, turned around to put it away, and a note that he had written to me from before Spring Break saying “see you soon” with a smiley face was lying on the floor. The next day he then texted me (the day before my birthday) and asked if he could come get his things. I knew the waves of the world were powerful- I just had no idea how powerful or what sort of signs my mind might be trying to conjure up. ——- said something interesting to me when I asked her if she believed in signs. She said that our minds have this way of calling attention to our desires and attracting what it truly knows is going to happen. On some conscious and sub-conscious levels we are able to see in other things what we knew was going to happen all along. 
Today I talked to ———- about ——- I almost cried, but it was the first time I didn’t. I knew that I was moving on, that it was time. I’ve packed my bags and I’m half-way out the door. Today I’ve finally shut the door behind me. I was walking home and I barely missed the light of crosswalk so I had to wait for the next light. I went to press the button and saw some carvings by the signal button. I started to read them when my mind crossed the word “——”, his name. I did a double take and stared at the word. ——-. As I thought about —— my Ipod switched songs on shuffle and played to the song “Pieces” by Sum 41. 
the lyrics read:
I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

This place is so empty
My thoughts are so tempting
I don’t know how it got so bad
Sometimes it’s so crazy
That nothing can save me
But it’s the only thing that I have

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

On my own

I tried to be perfect
It just wasn’t worth it
Nothing could ever be so wrong
It’s hard to believe me
It never gets easy
I guess I knew that all along

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
It was at this time that I could be at ease and rest with this subject. In the previous sentence I almost wrote the word “issue” instead of the word “subject”- but you see it’s no longer a problem, because it is a thing of the past. A faint memory as Taylor Swift would next say is beginning to “collect dust”. Im happy to say I’m set free. It’s my time to shine. 
Im 21 and having fun.
Thanks for letting me know, World. 
July 18, 2013
I’ve been in a strange mood the last few days. I don’t know if it’s the monotony of summer, or that I’ve got a lot on my mind, or if it’s the fact that my hormone levels are skyrocketing because my lady time is just around the corner. Who knows? Maybe it’s all three. Everything is irritating. The thought of even seeing ——- is irritating, ——- is irritating- she will not leave me alone, seeing ——- is irritating- I have no patience to deal with her sorrow, I just can’t be bothered to deal with anyone else’s shit. I don’t want to be left alone and at the same time- I’m irritated that I always have to be the one to ask people to hang out. I’m feeling stubborn and unwilling to talk to anyone before they talk to me because I’m just tired of it. I’m tired of feeling insignificant and that I don’t matter to anyone but my goddamn parents and I’m just as equally scared that if I don’t talk to anyone- I’ll never hear from them again. I wish so badly that I didn’t feel this way but maybe I could use some alone time. Maybe I need to clear my head and let me emotions flow in free-form. Cry if I want to, scream if i want to, jump around and dance in my under-wear, because I want to. 
I had an excellent day at work. I find it interesting that the times I’m most irritated with my home and social life are some of my best days at work. It’s probably because as sad as it is- I’d rather be there than deal with my annoying thoughts at home. I also thought that I would have nothing to say in this journal entry- so I almost didn’t write it, but I had and have a lot more to say than I think I’ll ever realize. 
Today I allowed my mind to day-dream about —— for a moment. I thought about what it was like when I thought he cared and then my brain processed what I was physically staring at. I was looking directly at the “missing you” cards- which I might add, we were fresh out of. Then I laughed because I remembered that I was “fresh out of missing you’s” for ——. I don’t really miss ——, I’m not even sure that I care about him anymore- friend and all. I can’t stand to let someone who has treated me so badly into my life, it’s just not fair to me. It’s like he was never the person I thought he was- or the person he allowed me to believe. As much as —— wants to blame this whole situation on the fact that I showed my cards too soon- he’s the one who let me believe that he didn’t see them.
July 19, 2013
Today I went to dinner with —- and she said something that really resonated with me. She said that at this age people are so selfish and don’t even always make choices for their own happiness but for the sake of their self image. I’ve never really thought about this idea before. I think this is especially applicable seeing as the night before I found myself questioning whether or not I was ever going to be able to feel like I fit in at Chapman simply for the reason that I feel so different from everyone else. Everyone is pretty and skinny and has money and I find myself not having a single one of those things. I’m not really sure if this is actually true- or if this is just what I think. My co-worker —— today said that if she didn’t know me and saw me on the street- she would think I was a Chapman girl, but I don’t know if anyone who actually goes to Chapman would say the same. I also find myself questioning why I have such a hard time putting myself out there. Part of me loves myself so much, I love that I stand out and have my own sense of style and personality- but when I go out I can’t help but feel like I’m the only one who appreciates that about me, and that feeling’s a little lonely. I also don’t really care to hook-up with random people because I don’t think a hook-up will ever justify or validate how I feel about myself but some other part of me just wants to feel wanted by another human. I feel like everyone that I know is constantly getting action and I have no idea why or how. Just like me, I think that everyone just wants to feel wanted- because we’re young and disastrous and why the hell not? Why can’t I just suck it up and put myself out there? I’m probably not even as different as I think. 
July 20, 2013
Today I feel inspired by all of the beautiful, strong, and magnificent
women of the world. Lana, Gaga, Grimes, Alice (fictional, I know). I
feel breathless that these women can so beautifully capture and
understand the travesties and heartaches of the world. I know I’m
being overdramatic but what can I say? I’m a crazy mess and I know
they are too- but in all the best ways.

Love love.

"I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours"- Alice
"the little girl just could not sleep because her thoughts were way
too deep, her mind had gone out for a stroll, and fallen down the
rabbit hole” -Alice
"It doesn’t really matter which way you go" Alice

"I’m going to eat you and hyou’ll die half eaten bloodied pulp sad sad
little man ur done for”-Grimes

"I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that’s true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind
Some kind of night into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it’s strange you never knew” -Grimes

"i love the universe

i am so impressed and terrified by the stars

p.s. - not stoned. just a natural elf finally free of the big city” -Grimes
August 29, 2013
Today was an especially difficult day for me to get through. It was my
first thesis class of the semester and it made me feel sick to my
stomach. It didn’t go over well either. I was absolutely humiliated.
Even though I had more than a good amount of people I know that I
didn’t live up to ——‘s expectations of my project or my own… I
can’t take back the time I’ve mis-used but I can move forward.

I have a lot of interesting feelings stirring up inside me. I can’t
tell if it’s turmoil or happiness, because I honestly feel both. I
feel turmoil for the events that occurred today and how I can possibly
ever make it to end… I feel turmoil over the stress of my parents
and money and bills and having to be an adult and ——. All of these
things concern me and yet somehow I hold some sort of peace and
understanding within myself. I think I am allowing my emotions to flow
through me, I think I am understanding that its okay to not be okay
and that kind of counteracts the fact the pain an anxiety feel so bad.
I feel okay with the events to come. I feel as if I’m present and okay
with my life and I know that somehow Im going to make it, I’m not sure
how I’ve arrived at this conclusion but I won’t question that either.

I’m proud of myself for journaling again. I know how important it is
to reflect on my own life and get out and thoughts and feelings that I
had and have throughout the day. I wish I had been doing this more
over the last month-but again I can’t take back that time or account
for it.

I’m feeling more independent today and a bit liberated. For this first
time that I can remember, I feel as if I’m okay being on my own.
Usually I’m afraid to be alone, especially when I have such strong
feelings of anxiety but today I don’t feel that way. I’m perfectly
contented facing this beautiful anxiety alone.

Thanks for listening.
September 12, 2013
It’s been a while since I’ve written. It’s been a busy few weeks for
me since school has started. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is
normal- or if it’s due to heightened levels of hormones but I’ve been
feeling pretty down today. Its one of those times where I start to
feel extremely lonely and like I’ve got no close friends. I know there
are people in my life who care about me but its hard when most of them
live so far away… It’s really hard to be trapped inside of my own
head sometimes and I guess that’s the really sucky thing about being
an extrovert. I was thinking today that it’s pretty unfair that my own
happiness is motivated by other people. I know that in most senses you
can choose to be and feel how you want but if that is so engraved in
your nature- pleasing others and being around others, how do you cope
when no one is around? I feel lost, I’m somewhere on the border of
desperately needing to talk to someone and not wanting to talk to
anyone at all. Im so tired of having to be the one to initiate things
with people. I seriously wonder if anyone would ever talk to me if I
didn’t talk to them first. I could probably go weeks without seeing a
friend if I didn’t ask them to hang out first. It sucks to feel like
you aren’t good enough or that no one likes you. It’s hard especially
when I know that I am independent and strong person- who never really
likes to rely on anyone for anything. I wish so badly that being here
by myself could make me happy but its just so dissatisfying. Who
knows- maybe I’m just a little more emotional than usual because it’s
that time of the month, it’s actually really hard to say. I’ve come to
terms- sort of- with that fact that —— isn’t coming. It’s hard
because I feel like it’s not me- it’s the circumstances. There’s one
part of me that thinks- well if someone cares about you enough, the
circumstances won’t matter and then there is another part of me that
realizes, we literally only met and hung out once… I guess that
hardest part is that you talk to someone so much and even still you can invest so much of yourself and your time and with that I
guess still comes the expectation (or hope) that things can still work out. I
know this is exactly where I let myself down, I had expectations. I
should have never been so naive and stupid about it…. but what can I
do? There was a part of me that really honestly believed it would
work, and it’s not like the things he said to me should have deterred
that… What he has said to me doesn’t exactly align with what’s
happening but again- our actions are really the only thing that we can
account for and rely on- even though I really love words and they can
be beautiful. Words are not enough- he can tell me he wants to see me
all he wants… but if he doesn’t take the time to come and see me,
then I guess it wasn’t really worth it. I guess sometimes it just
doesn’t feel fair or right, but at the end of the day, you only have
the cards you were dealt with and there is nothing I can do about
that. I might as well make the most of the situation and accept that
things are happening the way that they are supposed to. It feels
really good to get all of this off my chest. 
September 15, 2013
I’m still feeling pretty down…. I feel like a hermit, I don’t want
to talk to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone, I just want to sit
alone and do nothing. I want to forget everything and everyone. I want
to forget my obligations, I want to forget my homework, I want to
forget my thesis, I want to forget my financial burdens, I want to
forget my friend problems, I want to forget ——, I want to be alone.
And I am…. I have made it a point to not text anyone or engage in
any sort of contact in pretty much any way shape or form, I’ve
essentially gone under the radar- and just as I have suspected, no one
is talking to me. It’s a dark mind- the lonely ENFJ. —- and I were
discussing earlier how hard it is for our type to be alone- we’re so
critical of ourselves, we know it and we can’t stop. It’s like a
illness, constantly evaluating myself, measuring myself up to others,
wondering what people are thinking about me, so self-conscious that no
one likes me…  It’s the worst feeling… these kinds of feelings
bring out the worst of my insecurities and I find myself losing my
grip. I feel like I have absolutely no hold on my life, I don’t have
the energy to do anything. I can’t be bothered to do anything, I just
cant. I can’t focus on my homework, I have no desire to clean, I have
no desire to eat well, or work out, I’m not doing anything to take
care of myself and I feel disgusted- and again I know it, but there is
somehow nothing I can do. I feel mentally paralyzed- if there was ever
such a thing. I have my consciousness but no ability to control my
motor functions- it’s disgusting, really. Every second that passes
only pisses me off more and the cycle continues. At first I thought
this may have just been a rough patch due to the chemical imbalances
of my period but I have this looming feeling that it’s much more than
that. The feelings I have right now may be intensified by those
hormones- but I have this feeling I’m going to be in a social rut for
a while…. It’s hard because I know I need that social life in order
to maintain my happiness and energy but at the same time I can’t sit
around and be okay with the fact that no one puts any effort into
their friendships with me. It’s just not fair and its not okay, its
abuse. From this letter you would think I severely dislike myself but
thats not really the case, I really respect myself and it hurts me
when others don’t and I can’t stand by any longer and pretend that
it’s okay. I’m done putting everyone else’s happiness over my own. I
need to take some time to myself to figure out how I can gain control
of my life again- with no one around to help. I need to do this for
myself… I can’t keep using this as an excuse to not get anything
done. This is a mountain I need to climb. Getting over this hurtle is
going to be an extremely important battle for me- because I know if I
can defeat this, I can finally gain control of my mind, I can finally
stop allowing other’s to control my emotions and I can stop letting
others control my life. I want to just forget everyone else and be me.
September 16, 2013
I’m still going through this rut… I haven’t talked to anyone in days
except for ——— and ——. I’ve been thinking a lot about what this
really means for me, in the grand scheme of things. I’m going through
a hard time right now and I know that I’ve gone through them before,
and that I’ll go through them again. Today more than anything I’m
feeling apathetic, which is a sad place to be. Apathy is dangerous and
strange place to be because I don’t care enough to do anything, which
is totally not me. It’s pretty hard for me to feel apathetic about a
situation- I’m almost always overanalyzing something or over thinking
or processing or drilling and running through scenarios. My mind is
always running and today, I felt blank. But I’ll admit I’m definitely
wrest-less. Though I don’t consider apathy in general to be a good
thing- maybe it’s just my mind giving itself a break. I think I need
it. It hurts too much to face the truth. Today ——— told me
that his friend ——- used to be in an abusive relationship and this
truly saddens me. I don’t know ——- well but it hurts to understand
how much pain this is causing me- and to know that she has gone
through an entirely different and incredibly scary situation… I
can’t even fathom how she must have felt. I also thought about a blog
I read yesterday with a girl dealing with chronic illness. How the
world perceives her to be this normal human being when really she is
completely broken on the inside. The most interesting part of all of
this is that she remained eloquent and hopeful. She did not write off
her wrong-doers, in fact she handled and stood up for herself in those
letters with complete strength and grace, but she has found a way to
set herself free. I want to be free too. I don’t want to write off my
own battles and struggles and feelings and say that “someone else has
it worse”… We all go through hard times and we’re just on different
chapters, fighting different beasts, it doesn’t mean it’s not just as
hard at the time. Today I also read ——‘s article in the school
paper about their situation with the recruitment process. I love ———
to pieces but I couldn’t help but also feel sad for this letter. ———
is amazing and wonderful person who should feel good about themselves but I couldn’t help but hear the vain proudness written in between the lines. It felt like it was a praise piece written to themselves and it really didn’t feel genuine to the whole experience. It seemed like
more of an attention seeker than anything and this makes me feel sad
because it means the motivator for the issue is not resolving it- but
rather getting attention for just BEING in it. I had similar feelings
when I first heard Lady Gaga’s Applause because it just didn’t seem
like her- it seemed like it was all for the fame. I remember being
told this myself when I gave my grad speech. I wanted to make it all
about me. I remember writing that I worked my ass off and feeling
incredibly proud of myself and my accomplishments- and I wanted the
world to know. I remember that Ms. —— told me that as a leader its
not about that- though the accomplishments are great. Praising myself
in front of my class is not what they wanted or needed to hear, and at
the end of the day- it’s not actually what I wanted to tell them. I
wanted them to understand how I felt and where I wanted us all to go,
which is what I eventually wrote. I feel like all this power is
getting to everyone’s head. Lately I’ve also been detached from my
phone, in part because I don’t want any one to be able to access me-
and the other part because I know that no one is trying to, but being
away and not constantly glued to my phone has actually been really
liberating. Today ——- and I went to Meads to do homework and I
felt completely focused on my work, not concerned with another thing
in the world and ——— couldn’t stop checking his phone, it had to
have buzzed literally every minute. I know that I’ve gone through
phases where I’m like this but I don’t want to anymore, I like not
feeling the anxiety of waiting for someone’s reply or whatever. I just
want to do me.

So yeah that’s today.
September 17, 2013
—— texted me at midnight… I didn’t really know what to do or how
to feel…. I haven’t heard my phone buzz in ages, let alone talked to
him. I don’t know how to feel because I want to be with —— so badly
and at the very same time I’ve sort of already accepted that it’s not
going to happen right now. He hasn’t come to see, he hasn’t talked
about seeing me in a while and just don’t really think the
circumstances of the situation will allow it to happen. If he can’t
find the time to see me in 2 free weeks of no work or school
obligations- how will he ever find the time when he does start school?
Exactly, he wont. This is why I have accepted my fate, but it’s a lot
easier to accept when he isn’t talking to me. It hurts more to know he
still wants it too… I was putting on my makeup today and I looked
into my own eyes for the first time in a while- like really looked
into them and I didn’t recognize myself. I mean, physically I knew I
still looked the same but there was something different in my eyes,
they are much sadder and much dimmer. They’ve lost their spark. I
really do hope it comes back soon.
September 19, 2013
Today I feel a little less emo- a little less depressed. I definitely
still don’t quite feel like myself.  I guess I just still can’t get
over the fact that so many people in my life just really don’t care
about me and would do so little for me. Very few people have asked to
hang out, have talked to me, or seen me. I’ve seen both ——- and —-
in passing and they both say they want to hang out- so we’ll see if
they follow through. ——- said he would text me about going to
breakfast on saturday and we’ll see if that holds up too. Basically
I’ve decided that I’m going to stop trying with people-  I cant get
mad if there is no personal investment, so I’m just going to let them
come to me. Who knows if they ever will but who cares cause I got a
thesis to work on. I think the hardest part right now is trying to
figure out how to get myself to really focus and work on that. For
some reason I just can not get myself to do it. It’s really pissing me
off too. I’m going to try a new technique with going to bed a bit
earlier and getting up earlier. So we’ll see if that helps. I feel
like if I just get it done at the beginning of the day before I do
anything else- then I wont spend all day worrying about it and
thinking about what needs to get done. I need to set smaller goals for
myself to achieve so that the tasks are more manageable and less
daunting. I’ve been talking to —— the last couple of days- which is
still hard. He makes me so happy and I have such a weakness to talking
to him because he is so kind and sweet. He compliments me and
encourages me and makes me feel good about myself- which at this point in my life, I could really use, since I’m not seeing or talking to a
lot of people these days. I feel like we’re both just stuck with this
problem and who knows- maybe we’ll just deal with it the best we can
for now… we’re both extremely busy people who want nothing more than
to be with each other- but have such extenuating circumstances which
keep us apart. I know one day it will work itself out one way or
another, so I’m going to do my best to not worry and just let things
be what they are. It makes me happy to know that he still thinks about
me and wants to talk to me and hasn’t lost interest…. I don’t feel
like that’s something many people would do, so I feel like he is
special. We’ll see.
September 26, 2013
Today has proven to be an amazing day. I have finally accomplished
something that I wasn’t sure I could do- I got a “—-“- Approved
reel. I did it. I stayed up all night (granted that was my fault for
not managing my time better)- and I finished it and it went extremely
well. I remember feeling nervous but also slightly at ease. I was
happy with what I had done and I know that I did the best that I could
do- and it showed. —— was absolutely thrilled with my reel and was
very happy with me and that’s a feeling I haven’t felt from my thesis
basically since I presented my beats. It felt good to finally be back
in the game again. I feel more at ease. I know that if I can do this-
I can do this thesis. I’m excited to see what comes of this but I know
its not going to be an easy road. Even though I only slept an hour-
that alone brightened up my day and somehow it wasn’t that hard to get
through- despite how exhausted I know my mind is. It is very difficult
for me to focus on writing this but I know that I had to because this
feeling isn’t something I’ve had for a very long time. I finally feel
like I have control again. I feel good. I know this is because I have
done some personal growth- I have started to become less dependent on other people- though I do enjoy their time and company. I have started to expect less from people- because expectations only lead to
disappointment. I know that I am finally starting to focus on myself-
not just saying it but actually doing it, I feel like I’m doing it and
I’m proud of me for that. I’m also happy to say that —— and I are
still very much talking. He is a really special guy and he has made
these last few difficult days much easier to get through and even if I
can’t see him- his presence has meant a lot to me. I have appreciated
the encouragement and confidence boost in my life and it makes me feel
good about myself. What is even better is that I know I don’t even
need it. It tastes sweeter when you don’t have to ask.
September 29, 2013
I think that I’m learning more and more each day that I can’t rely on
anyone for anything. I can’t rely on my parents to help me with
getting a car- I can’t rely on any friends to be there when I need
them, I can’t rely on —— to come through when he tells me he wants
me. It’s really frustrating to know that I have to fight this world
all alone. That I have to deal with all my own thoughts alone, that I
have to deal with school alone, that I have to deal with money alone.
Its not that I can’t deal with it alone, it’s just sad to know that I
have to. It’s sad to think that no one cares enough to be a part of
your life. I have such wonderful friends at home but its so hard to
keep in contact with the distance. I know they would be there for me
if they could but it’s just the way that it is. I can’t even handle
knowing what’s going on with my mom. I hate thinking about it. I hate
knowing that I’ll have to face it one day. I really don’t want that
day to come. I’m ashamed. It’s not fair. I don’t understand why I have
to be the one to deal with all of this crap. Why am I the one who has
to suffer and stress about thesis, about money, about friends, about
my family, about ——, why can’t I catch a break in even just ONE area
of my life. I’ll admit that I’m doing alright amongst all of this, but
it’s hard to see the grass so green on the other side. I wonder
sometimes if I’ll ever get to be happy. Maybe that’s just it, I have
to make my own happiness. I’ve got to paint my grass green.
October 1, 2013
Today I know in my heart that I am finally going to make it to my
fitness goals. I’m only 17 pounds away and
that’s probably the closest I’ve been since gaining all of the weight
that I did. I feel good about myself and I love myself and I want my
body to reflect that. I am excited to see what I can accomplish
because I just want to finally know what it feels like to feel good
about myself- I think it would be the first time in my life. I’ve been
texting with —— so much lately and it’s been amazing. I really think
something special can come out of this if we can just figure out a way
to see each other. I also am starting to become more content with
being alone. I wondered today if it was possible for me to become more
introverted- I wondered if people could change or if I was really
changing. I think I’m still extroverted but accepting the fact that I
can’t expect anyone else to be concerned with my needs and I don’t
have to feel bad about myself for that. I don’t need to blame myself
for that. If they can’t see my value or make the effort to keep me in
their life than so be it. I think tonight I’ll get dinner for one and
have a lovely evening. Enjoy some tv, maybe work on some homework,
meditate. I sort of feel like I’m dating myself… I’m okay with that
though, because I love myself and I know that I can rely and trust
myself.